Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
