No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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