I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
