I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
