I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
