yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
