Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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