Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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