let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
