i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
