She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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