Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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