I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
