he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
