I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
