So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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