apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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