I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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