I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
