I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
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I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
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Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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