the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
