I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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