how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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