Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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