I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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