K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Soap is not a condiment
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You need Xanax blowdarts
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
