I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
