i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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