I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
