Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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