I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
