Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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