I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
