At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just invented taco cereal.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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