'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
