ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
