Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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