Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
