watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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