My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I wish there were birth control emojis
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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