The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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