I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
