My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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