god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
