Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
