U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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