I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
