True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
tell me about the fingering
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