My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
