Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Two words: blizzard sex
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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