watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
