Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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