smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
