id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
